Vous n'aurez pas l'Alsace et la Lorraine (1977)
Directed by Coluche

Film Review

Coluche had already become a national treasure by the time he came to write, direct and star in this film, a madcap historical romp with some similarities with some of the British “Carry On” films of the late 1960s.  Coluche's brand of anarchic comedy was fresh and inventive for its time and features heavily in this film, the perfect vehicle for this comedian's boundless wit and larger-than-life persona.

In this film, Coluche is joined by a very talented group of comic performers known as “L'Équipe du Splendide”, which included Anémone, Gérard Jugnot, Christian Clavier, Marie-Anne Chazel and Thierry Lhermitte.   Like Coluche, these hugely talented comedians had made a name for themselves performing comic stage acts in theatres and clubs, before making it big in cinema, with such films as Les Bronzés and Le Père Noël est une ordure.   In Vous n'aurez pas l'Alsace et la Lorraine, they give great entertainment value, particularly the feisty Anémone, although most of the troupe make only a fleeting appearance.

Whilst Coluche and L'Équipe du Splendide are excellent in this film, its real star is the previously unknown Gérard Lanvin, who plays the Chevalier Blanc (i.e. White Knight), a brilliant caricature of the historical adventure hero.  When the Chevalier Blanc is not demolishing the set in his attempt to save the day, he is driving all around him insane by singing his introductory number again, and again, with increasing fervour.  If the character is an inspiration on paper, it is Lanvin's gloriously unrestrained performance that makes it a classic camp icon of French cinema.  Remarkably, this was Gérard Lanvin first film appearance, and is quite unlike anything he has done subsequently (alas).

Plotwise, the film leaves a lot to be desired.  Whilst the film consists of countless pleasing little moments, it doesn't really make a satisfying cohesive whole.  It's a struggle to make sense of the plot and Coluche may have done better to have worked on the script with a more experienced screenwriter.  That said, the film's raison d'être is not to win awards for narrative coherence but to entertain, and it manages to do this without any difficulty.  The comic magician Coluche turns out a constant stream of funny situations and visual jokes - some of which are genuinely hilarious, raising a laugh no matter how many times you have seen the film.  Add to that some exquisite comic performances and the recurring "Chevalier Blanc" number (music by Serge Gainsbourg, sung by Gérard Lanvin), and the result is an uplifting, albeit totally insane, mix of musical comedy and historical adventure - a must-see film for any fan of the great Coluche.

Film Synopsis

Long, long ago, France is ruled by King Gros Pif I, a man who likes to party.  In fact so extravagant are the king's banquets that they are bankrupting the country and his faithful musketeers have to resort to ever more brutal methods to extract taxes from the stinking masses, which is okay because they rather enjoy it.  As the king stuffs himself silly with meat and wine, his queen occupies the court jester in a similar but altogether more disgusting function, proving that life in the Middle Ages was nowhere near as dull and dreary as it is given out to be by all those dull and dreary historians.  For the royalty at least, it was a hoot.

When the lusty jester isn't busy servicing his queen's carnal appetites, he is up to no good, conspiring with the king's ministers - a hopelessly indecisive bunch  of timeservers - to bring an end to this horribly debauched and cruel regime.  Eventually, the ministers summon up enough courage to act and set about trying to assassinate the loathed monarch.  But every time they come within a whisker of slaying the king, he is miraculously saved by the mysterious Chevalier Blanc, whose one ambition is to wed the king's beautiful cousin Lucienne, whom he lusts after day and night.

Armed with his trusty sword, a scintillating personality and an unwavering habit of breaking into song at the least provocation, the brave and implausibly heterosexual knight thwarts the king's enemies time and again.  Finally driven from his castle, the king goes on the run, not knowing that his treacherous queen has offered a generous reward for his capture.  The Chevalier Blanc comes to his aid again, by adopting him as his personal valet.  Gros Pif's only hope now is to persuade the King of Flanders to invade the whole of France (including Alsace and Lorraine) so that he can redeem himself by raising a rebel army...